The Mess I Made
by Hermies818
Summary: It's been 10 years since they saw each other. They've both moved on with their lives. But when you see that special someone again, what is there to say to the one that got away?
1. Chapter 1

**Before we begin, just a few quick announcements,**

**1) The idea from this story originated from a one shot in my other story _The Glory of Love_ (Chapter 3, And Let Your Poor Heart Break a Little). It is not required that you read that before this as only the basic ideas are really the same. This story got most of its inspiration from the songs _The Mess I Made_ by Parachute and _So Close_ by Jon MacLauchlan.**

**2) This is not going to be a happy Densi story. Now, I am a die hard Densi lover, but I enjoy writing the sadder stuff because it's not something a lot of writers really explore (no I am not emotionally unstable, just an interested writer).**

**3) This is really two stories in one. The normal text will make up the bulk of the story, but each chapter will end with a flashback for backstory written in _italics_.**

**4) Updating will happen one a week on Monday, unless some massively drastic unforeseen circumstances occur to prevent such an occurrence (I'm looking at you writers block, so you better stay as far away as possible).**

**5) Lastly, while there will be no extremely explicit language or graphic sex scenes (cause I can't write that for anything), there will be some bits of language and at least one sex scene. I'll let you know when it happens the chapter before so you can decide how you want to proceed.**

**Now that that's out of the way, please enjoy the story.**

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><p>The alarm beeped, causing Kensi to swing her arm wildly in an attempt to shut it off.<p>

"Ugh, please don't tell me it's time to get up." The body next to her groaned.

Kensi grinned and rolled over to give her husband a proper good morning kiss.

"Mmm, who are you and what are you doing in my bed?" He grinned as she lay on top of him, resting her head on her hands.

"How'd you sleep?" She asked.

"With you next to me? I slept like a baby." He yawned and brushed her hair back. "I missed you."

"Then don't go to DC."

"Part of the job." He sighed.

"Yeah, I know." She rolled off of him and started to get out of bed.

"Oh no you don't." He said as he grabbed her wrist and pulled her back down onto the bed, laughing as he wrapped his arms around her.

"Hank stop!" She laughed. "I have to get ready."

"But I want to stay in bed, all day, with you, naked." Hank buried his face in her neck.

Kensi laughed and pulled away, earning herself a whine of protest, and slipped into the bathroom.

"You gonna be home tonight?" He called as she began to run the water in the bathtub.

"I don't know, depends on if we have a case or not." She called back.

"Promise you'll call?" He leaned up against the bathroom door and gave her puppy dog eyes.

"I promise." She smirked and rolled her eyes. Hank shook his head and laughed before moving over to the mirror and giving himself the once over.

"I'm thinking of growing out my hair, you think I'd look good with that?" He asked. Kensi stiffened.

"Grow it out?"

"Yeah, you know, not long or anything. Just, scruffy." Hank shrugged. "You know?"

"Yeah." Kensi mumbled before she turned and accidentally knocked a glass off the counter, sending it crashing to the floor, shattering it into pieces.

"Babe, careful." Hank quickly moved to start picking up the shards. Kensi nodded and moved to help before she winced, feeling a shard slice open her foot, allowing blood to drip into the floor.

Kensi swore and hobbled over to sit on the side of the tub. Hank moved over to help.

"No!" She snapped, immediately feeling bad about it. "Sorry, it's just, I got it."

Hank stopped before nodding. "Ok, I'm just gonna go throw these out." He kissed her forehead. "Back in a second."

Alone in the bathroom, Kensi let out a deep breath and tried to calm herself, doing her best to forget about the last time she'd found herself with a bleeding foot in the bathroom.

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><p>"Morning." Deeks sung out as he sauntered into the kitchen. He moved to the table and kissed the heads of his children, first 10 year old Neal and then 7 year old Maddison. "Who's ready for their first day of school?"<p>

"Me!" Maddie stuck up her hand and beamed.

"Not me." Neal muttered into his cereal. Deeks just ruffled his hair before moving to kiss his wife good morning.

"What's going on today?"

"Hair appointment at 11, lunch with Amy at 1, these guys get home at 3, and that's pretty much it until you get home." Sasha smiled at her husband. "Neal, did you feed Monty?"

"Yeah mom." He called as the scruffy mutt, well into his twilight years, lazily wagged his tail from his place under Neal's chair.

"Hey Sash?" Deeks called over his shoulder from inside the fridge. "Where's the..."

"On the table." She cut him off and pointed to the milk on the breakfast table. Deeks grinned and kissed her before moving to put the milk into his coffee. "What would I do without you?"

"You'd be drinking your coffee black."

"It's your fault you know. You're the one who got me hooked on putting milk in my java." He told her.

"Oh please, you drink it black at the station anyways." She rolled her eyes and smiled. "Hey missy, rinse those and put them away." She pointed at her daughter who had unceremoniously dumped her breakfast dishes in the sink. Maddie nodded and did as she was told, going about placing the bowl and cup in the cupboard and the spoon in the drawer when something caught her eye.

"Daddy what's this?" She asked with the curiosity that only a seven year old could possess at a hunting knife, about seven inches in length with a crudely carved, polished wood handle and a leather sheath.

Deeks instinctually grabbed the knife, his paternal instincts ignoring for a moment what exactly it was and instead focusing on getting the sharp and dangerous object away from his young daughter. It was only when he looked down at it did his fingers go numb and his heart skip a beat. This wasn't just any knife, this was hers.

"Huh, how did that get in there?" Sasha looked confused before looking to her son. "Neal? Did you put that in the silverware drawer?"

Her son just shrugged and mumbled something in the way of a response. Sasha just shook her head and turned back to her husband. "Hon?"

"What's that mommy?" Maddie asked.

"Oh honey, it's just a knife." Sasha told her daughter. "Right Marty?"

Deeks stared at the knife, turning it over in his hands. "Yeah." He nodded numbly.

"Is it one of your cool, special agent knives?" Neal suddenly perked up at the prospect of something even remotely cool in the house.

Deeks managed a small smile. "Sorry buddy. Sometimes a knife is just a knife."

Sasha nodded. "Now, say goodbye to daddy so he can go to work."

Maddie hugged her dad around the waist. "Bye daddy."

"Bye princess, I'll see you tonight. Bye buddy." He told his son who raised his hand in goodbye. Deeks smiled and started towards the door.

"Martin, leave the knife." Sasha called. Deeks looked down to find that he was indeed still holding the knife.

"Oh, yeah. You know, actually I think I'll take it to the station. It's safer there than around here." He offered her a smile. Sasha smiled back and blew him a kiss before turning back to the kids, allowing Deeks to exit without argument.

As he got into his car, Deeks studied the knife. Sometimes a knife was just a knife, but this one wasn't.

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><p>As she drove to work Kensi could barely concentrate on the road. It had been so long since they'd last seen each other, over 10 years. She didn't even know where he was right now or what he was doing. Was he still even in LA?<p>

They had been so good together, perfectly in sync both on and off the job. For the first time in a very long time she'd actually believed that everything was going to work out for her. But in one night that all disappeared. That one night had changed everything.

She had thought about him a few times over the years, fleeting thoughts and passing fancies, but nothing anything like this morning. Dear god she'd not even thought about him like that at her wedding! But for whatever reason, in that moment, Hank wasn't Hank and their bathroom wasn't their bathroom, and that freaked her out way more than she thought it would.

Kensi was snapped out of her daze by a blaring horn and had to suddenly slam on her brakes to avoid t-boning a Beemer as she ran a stop sign.

"Sorry!" She called out her window. The other driver gave her an irritated honk before driving off. Kensi blew out her cheeks and checked to make sure no other cars were coming before continuing on towards OSP. Maybe if she was lucky some terrorist was planning something big that required lots and lots of concentration today. Maybe that way she'd be able to stop thinking about a certain scruffy haired detective and the "what if's" that came along with him.

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><p>Deeks left his driveway in a little bit of a daze, almost knocking over his neighbor's trash bins as he drove off.<p>

He didn't even know how that knife had gotten in that drawer. The last time he'd seen it was when he'd found it in one of his boxes after the end. He'd held on to it, in the beginning, as an excuse to see her again. But each time he'd picked up the phone, all he could think of was how she refused to look at him as he was packing, or how he'd heard her heartbroken sobs through the bedroom door that first night. After a while, he'd just stopped trying all together.

He'd been proud of the fact that, over the years, he'd been able to think of Kensi and have it hurt less and less each time until, on the rare moments he did think of her, he was able to do it with a smile. So why now did it feel like someone had taken her knife and jammed in into his chest?

He slammed his hand against the steering wheel of his car and groaned. That one night, that one stupid night had ruined everything for them.

"But it also gave me all this." He told himself. He had a great job, a home, a loving wife, and two beautiful, healthy kids. His life was perfect, if you didn't know the backstory.

Not thinking, he rolled through a stop sign and almost got t-boned by a Cadillac because of it. He blasted his horn to get the other drivers attention and, thankfully, they stopped short.

"Sorry!" A female voice called from the other car. Deeks let out an apologetic honk of his horn before he drove off. He shook his head. Get to the precinct, make it there and there would be plenty of work to distract him from thoughts of a raven haired beauty with the hauntingly mismatched eyes.

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><p><em>Deeks paced back and forth across their little apartment, wringing his hands in nervous anticipation and tugging on the collar of his button down shirt. "Do I have to wear this thing?"<em>

_"__Yes," Nell scolded him as she finished lighting the candles. "Now would you just calm down?"_

_"I can't. Would you be able to calm down of you were about to ask Eric to marry you?" Deeks snapped at her, intently regretting it. "I'm sorry Velma, I'm just freaking out here." He blew out his cheeks and sank into the couch._

"Don't worry about it. You guys are Deeks and Kensi. You're meant to work." Nell told him as she sat next to him and rubbed his back in support.

_"__You think?" He looked at her._

_"__I know." She smiled at him and gave him a peck on the cheek. "Now, the candles are lite, the flowers are on the table, the deep fried, sugar coated Twinkies are plated, Monty is coming with me for the night, anything else?"_

_They both thought for a second before Nell snapped her fingers. She reached over and pressed play on the stereo, allowing the romantic music playlist she and Eric had put together for them fill the apartment. "Much better."_

_"__Thank you Velma." He hugged her tight and took a deep breath. "I love you, you know that right?"_

_"__Damn straight." She winked at him. "Good luck." She have him a final smile before she collected Monty and slipped out the door, leaving Deeks sitting on the couch in the empty apartment, bouncing his knee in a state of hyperactive nervous excitement._

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><p><strong>Please don't race to bash Hank and Sasha, all questions will eventually be reveled. Please leave your comments in the review box, but just as I show decency in my reviews, all I ask is you do the same for me.<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you all so much for your response! I'm glad you guys are interested in the story. Hopefully I can keep your interest. Just a quick question for those who read these notes, was anyone else's first thought at the sneak peak for 3rd Choir, "good to know they're still sleeping together"? No? Just me?**

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><p>Kensi hit the office couch with a loud groan. There was absolutely nothing to do today other than mountains upon glorious mountains of paper work, just the kind of thing she'd been hoping to avoid. There were days where she prayed for an easy day like today, so why the hell was it that on the one day she asked for a hard day the case gods were silent? Karma sucked.<p>

"Oh I know that sound." Kensi opened her eyes to find Callen standing in front of her with two bags of disgustingly greasy fried food in his hands. The smell of fries wafted through her nostrils. "What's going on Kens?"

"I'll tell you if one of those is for me." He grinned and tossed her one of the bags. She opened it up and inhaled deeply. Double bacon cheeseburger soaked in grease with fries to match, pure bliss. In three bites she'd completed half the burger, she hadn't even realized she'd been this hungry.

"Ok, Kensi has been properly fed, now spill." Callen ordered as he sank down next to her on the couch and proceeded to tear into his own bag.

Kensi swallowed her latest mouthful before sighing. "I don't know, it's just been…this whole day has just felt weird."

"Good weird or bad weird?"

"Weird weird, and I don't know why." Well that wasn't technically true, she had a pretty good idea why but she really did not want to be discussing that with Callen right now.

"Well Hank got back yesterday, right? He's been gone for three weeks. It's going to feel a little weird at first, it always does." Callen said in between bites. Kensi shook her head.

"No I don't think that's it. Today I just feel off, like my brain is cluttered from doing too much paperwork." She teased, he just rolled his eyes. "You know I was hoping today would be the day that some armed cartel slash terrorist initiative would attempt to blow up LA so I could work through whatever this is. But no, you've had us in here all day doing paperwork."

"Speaking of which, where is everyone? Surely they couldn't have all walked out over a little paperwork." Callen smirked and tried to snatch some of Kensi's fries, earning himself a shove in the opposite direction.

"I sent them out to lunch, they needed an hour outside." Kensi shrugged. Callen nodded before snatching her bag, producing a cry of alarm from Kensi. "Give that back!"

"You need to get out of the office, go out down to the boatshed and clear your head for a bit." He told her while effectively playing keep away with the bag of fried goodness.

"I've got too much work to do here, there's nothing to do at the boatshed." She said as she began clamouring on top of him towards her goal.

"Then go run along the beach for an hour! The point is you need to get out of here. That's an order Kensi." He said in his most authoritative voice. With a humph Kensi slunk back to her side of the couch, eyes still on the food.

"I'll do it if you give me back my lunch." She offered. Callen gave her a smile and tossed the bag back to her.

"Deal."

"You know, Hetty would have never have allowed something like this." Kensi told him as she stuffed fries into her mouth.

Callen gave a wistful thought to the tiny ninja and made a mental note to check in with her progress before the day was over. "No, I guess not."

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><p>Deeks threw down his pen and put his head on his desk with a groan. This day was kicking his ass and it was barely noon. For the first time he could remember, he had nothing. No cases, no paper work, not even a damn phone call! This promotion was supposed to bring a crap ton of work with it, so on the one day he really needed it, where the hell was the work?<p>

"You ok man?"

Deeks looked up to see JT standing in his office doorway, coffee in hand. JT had been his partner immediately following his return to the LAPD. He didn't know why Deeks had returned and, to his credit, he didn't ask. For that, he earned in Deeks a rock solid partner and a damn good friend.

"I've been better." He muttered and reached out for the coffee JT offered him. He took one sip and made a face. "Ugh, JT, how many times have I told you to leave the weird stuff in your own coffee?"

"That is my coffee moron, I was just offering you a sip to be nice." JT snatched the coffee back. Even with his promotion, one thing that hadn't changed was the sibling like bickering between the two of them, something Deeks was more grateful for than he suspected JT knew. "Besides, Lucas likes almond in his coffee."

"Well I'm not your husband and I don't like it. And neither do you!" Deeks snapped. JT deposited the coffee in the trash can by the door and sat in one of the chairs opposite Deeks.

"Alright man, let's hear it. What's up your ass? Cause all this," he motioned to Deeks, "isn't you."

Deeks let out something between a sigh and a groan.

"Trouble with the kids?"

Deeks shook his head.

"Trouble with Sash?"

"No." Not really anyway.

"Then what is it man?"

Deeks sighed and leaned back in his chair. "I have no idea JT. It's like I've got ten thousand thoughts in my head and not a damn one makes any kind of sense." He tossed a pencil from one hand to another. "And of course today would be the day I literally have nothing happening so I can't just work through it."

JT nodded and sat silent for a second before leaning over the desk.

"Why don't you get out of here man? Take a long lunch and head down to the beach or something."

"I can't do that JT." Deeks shook his head.

"Why not? You need to clear your head so go, do it, I can cover for you for a little while."

"JT, it's not like I can just drop everything and go to the beach." Deeks argued although he was definitely wavering.

"Why not? You said yourself you've got nothing going on. So go, watch the surfers, grab some food, play "look but don't touch" with the co-eds. Then you can come back and tell me what's really bothering you." He gave Deeks a smug look that Deeks just wanted to smack off his face if the idea wasn't so good.

He looked at JT long and hard.

"You sure you can cover for me?"

JT waved away the question. "Done it before and I'll do it again, just like you'd do for me."

Deeks smiled and rose from his chair. "Thanks partner."

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><p><em>Kensi sighed heavily as she pulled into her parking space beside her boyfriend's truck. Today had sucked, royally sucked. All she wanted to do was climb into a hot bath and then into bed with the man she loved.<em>

_In spite of her crappy mood, she couldn't help but let out a little smile at the thought of Deeks. This had been a long time coming, she wouldn't have been surprised if the team had had a collection pot going around for when they were finally going to get together. She grimaced slightly at the memory of how he'd actually walked into OSP with a bull horn and announced to the greater Los Angeles area that they were officially a couple. She hated big mushy displays of love like that, but it had made him so happy to do it that she just couldn't be mad at him._

_She loved where they were right now. It felt really good to finally be able to know where they were and that they weren't going to change. He had made it very clear that he would always be a constant in her life, now and forever, and that was something she treasured greatly._

_She stopped in front of the front door and tilted her head. Was that…music?_

_She cautiously opened the door to find her boyfriend in his nice clothes, surrounded by flowers, candles, and something fried on a plate while some jazzy singer crooned on the stereo._

_"__Deeks, what's all this?" She asked. Had she forgotten something?_

_"__I had this whole speech prepared." He said nervously. "About how much I love you and how good we are together, but now you're here and you look so beautiful…"_

_"__Deeks I'm in sweaty workout clothes." Kensi felt a sick feeling forming in the pit of her stomach._

_"__And still you look amazing." He smiled and looked down. Kensi followed his gaze to spy the little blue box that was resting on the table. Oh no, oh dear god no!_

_He picked up the box and turned it over in his hands as he walked towards her. He took her hand and led her into the middle of the flowers and candles._

_"__I'm making a huge mess of this, but all I want you to know is that I love you and I need you and that you are the only person in my life who has ever made me as happy as I am right now."_

_"__Please stop." She tried to whisper but he just down to one knee._

_"__Kensi Marie Blye, will you marry me?"_

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><p><strong>The way I think it's gonna go is Kensi's story, Deeks's Story, then a flashback. Please review.<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 guys. I'm glad y'all like the story so far. Just one quick thing, for the most part the ending's of these chapters are not meant to be cliffhangers. It's just where it seemed to naturally end for me. Anyway, now for the fun part, the first meeting.**

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><p>Kensi walked slowly across the sand. Even though it was the middle of the work week, the California sun meant that people were out in full force, taking advantage of the beautiful day.<p>

She rolled her shoulders and smiled to herself. This felt good. She needed to get out of the office for a little bit.

She peered over the tops of her sunglasses at a group of shirtless college boys playing beach volleyball before looking out towards the water. Maybe if she's been looking where she was going she would have missed him.

Maybe they would have walked right past each other and continued on with their lives.

Maybe nothing would have changed.

Maybe.

But as she looked back at the boys she ran full force into a man in a grey suit, almost knocking them both down.

She turned to apologies to the stranger when her breath stopped short.

Her head spun. She rubbed her eyes, thinking they must be playing tricks on her, but no. There he was. A little older sure, but there was definitely no mistaking him.

Deeks.

"Kensi?" He sputtered, clearly as surprised as she was.

"Deeks?" She managed to squeak out as she tried to regain her composure.

However it certainly seemed like he didn't have any trouble doing that as he pulled her into a hug.

"Oh my god, Kensi!" He exclaimed as he let her go. "I can't believe it's really you."

His heart was going a mile a minute. He had pictured this scene over and over in his mind but now, here they were. This was actually happening.

"You look great." He offered and meant every word of it. She looked just as beautifully breath taking as she had when they'd first met. It was a fact that made him both happy and sad.

"So do you." She returned the compliment. "You've taken care of yourself."

"I don't know about that." He joked. "Two kids, a wife, and career take their toll."

Her eyes clouded. Two kids, a wife, a career, it sounded perfect. He saw her eyes change just slightly and wanted to kick himself in the groin.

"But I'm sure you know all about that." He tried to backpedal. She tried to smile but the memory of the doctor's appointments and the blood made it just too hard. For an uncomfortably long time they stood there, not saying anything, letting the rest of the world go on without them.

"You still at NCIS?" He asked finally asked. "I heard that Hetty retired."

"Yeah she did." Kensi nodded.

"What's that like?" He grinned. He'd always assumed that Hetty'd be there forever.

"It's kinda weird." She shrugged. "But she left Callen in charge so things really didn't change all that much."

They both laughed. It felt strange to hear each other's laugh again, but good.

"So what's she been doing with retirement?"

"Well according to Callen she's currently making her way up K2."

"Of course she is." He smiled.

"I heard you got promoted down at the LAPD, congratulations."

"You keeping tabs on me Fern?" He used the once familiar nickname. It still felt good.

"Don't flatter yourself Max, I hear things is all."

"Yeah I'm sure you do." He remarked, still feeling the warmth of that once venomous name, how it lost all its hate when she said it.

Their world was broken by the ringing of a cell phone.

"Mine." He grimaced and pulled it out of his pocket. JT needed him back at the station. "Kensi I…"

"No, you need to go." She waved her hand. "I get it, I should probably head back as well."

"It was really great seeing you Kens." The words sounded so foreign to him.

"You too." She nodded. He shoved his hands in his pockets and nodded back. Neither of them moved.

"I should get going." He reluctantly admitted after a while.

"Yeah, yeah me too." She agreed.

"You'll say hi to everyone for me?"

"Definitely." She nodded one more time. "Goodbye Deeks."

Without giving him a chance to respond she turned and headed back down the beach. He watched her long hair blow around in the breeze behind her as he weighed his options. If he was smart he'd be happy for this small interaction, he'd be grateful that he talked to her and now he could go back to his life. But damn it if he didn't want just a little bit more.

"Hey!" Kensi turned to see him jogging up to her. "Kensi, look, I…I don't want this to be the last time we see each other. How about dinner?"

"Dinner?"

"Yeah." He smiled. "Tonight, you and me. My treat."

"Deeks…"

"Come on Kens. Why not?"

Why not? She could think of a million reasons why not! It would have been one thing if ten years ago they had parted on good terms, but that hadn't happened. That was about the furthest thing from what happened! But then he smiled that same damn smile she'd missed so much and suddenly she couldn't remember a single objection.

"You're paying?"

Deeks's smiled widened. "You got it Fern."

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><p><em>"<em>_Another one." Deeks slurred slightly as he signalled for the bartender to refill his glass._

_"__You sure pall, you look pretty passed it." The tattooed man behind the bar raised an eyebrow, even though he pulled another beer out from under the bar._

_"__Yes dammit, one more!" Deeks slammed his palm down on the bar. Tonight he was supposed to be celebrating with the woman he loved, instead he was doing his best to drown himself with every beer in the greater Los Angeles area. The name of the bar was _The Rejected Man_, he could have cried at the irony._

_"__I'm gonna need your keys." The barman told him. Deeks shot him a withering glare that said he was not in the mood tonight but the man held his ground. "No keys, no beer."_

_Grumbling under his breath, Deeks pulled out his car keys and tossed them to the man who seemed to be rocking back and forth. Deeks hadn't been completely smashed since college, tonight seemed like as good a night as any to do it again._

_"__Rough night?" A voice from down the bar asked. He turned his head to find a good looking red head sliding into the seat next to him. He chuckled grimly._

_"__Understatement of the millennia."_

_Red nodded grimly and made a signal to the bar tender. "What happened to you?"_

_He said nothing._

_"__Come on, you show me yours and I'll show you mine." She offered as four shots of liquor were placed in front of her._

_He sighed and took a huge swig of beer. "You first."_

_She thought about it for a moment before shrugging and knocking back her first shot. "Doesn't really matter."_

_"__No, it doesn't." He agreed. She smiled at him and downed her next two shots. "You're gonna want to slow down."_

_"__Why?" She snapped, taking him by surprise. "So I can remember the bastard neglected to mention he has a wife? I'd rather not." She downed her last shot before giving him the once over. "What say you and I get drunk and get out of here?"_

_Deeks looked her up and down. She was attractive, long legs, long hair, nice rack, a face that was pretty enough, but she was no Kensi._

_But Kensi didn't want him._

_"__Call us a cab." He called to the bartender._

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><p><strong>Slutty drunk with a preference for tequila who's boyfriend turns out to be married. Maybe I should have named her Meredith. The next flash back is gonna have the quasi-not quite-mostly implied sex scene. Please drop a review on the way out.<strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**Rereading the last chapter, I hate it. I really, really hate it. I hate it so much I think I'm going to try and rewrite it. Thankfully, this chapter turned out a whole lot better. I almost didn't get this chapter out (procrastinating on a mid-term paper, always a good idea) but here it is. Enjoy!**

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><p>Kensi stood in her bedroom and looked out as the last of the sun slipped into the Pacific Ocean.<p>

When she'd moved into Hank's beachside high rise after getting engaged she had wanted to put it on the market immediately. The floor to ceiling windows had made her feel exposed and the fact they were on the 22nd floor had awakened a slight fear of heights she hadn't realized she had. But Hank had convinced her to wait for a few months before making a decision and she was glad he had. She loved the unparalleled view of the ocean the corner unit gave them and how the setting sun cast a soft orange glow throughout the entire apartment.

It had originally belonged to Hanks father who had bought it new a few years before his death and had passed it along to his son who had wisely chosen to invest the bulk of his inheritance into renovating it, transforming the slightly out dated condo into a cosy contemporary space that had all of his neighbour's quickly following suit.

She sighed before turning her attention back to the two dresses that she'd put out on the bed. Deeks had told her to dress nice, but there were a good half dozen versions of "nice" that she was aware of. Red or black, solid or printed, sexy or sophisticated?

Kensi bit her lip as she struggled to decide. Which of these said "I'm going out to dinner with the ex-love of my life"?

She checked her watch. It was already 7:00, she only had half an hour before Deeks was supposed to show up.

She held the shorter of the two dresses in front of her as she walked over to the mirror. It was a dark red, long sleeved, mid-thigh length little number that was cut down to Venezuela. She studied herself for a moment before she shook her head. This was what she'd wear if she was going out to a club with her husband. With Hank, the man she loved, the man she was married too. It was not a dress for meeting her ex-partner for dinner.

She picked up the other dress. The Valentino gown had been a parting gift from Hetty upon her retirement. Its creamy white silk, which came down just past her knee, was offset by a slash of brilliantly colored flowers that reached all the way up into the formfitting black silk of the upper body that hugged her in all the right places. The matching black open toed heels still sat unworn in the box.

Together they probably cost more than her Cadillac.

Kensi had never had the courage to wear either of them out in public. She'd tried the dress on once in her bedroom and had immediately put it back in the closet. But tonight, as she stood remembering how good she'd looked in it, she felt an oddly shy smile creep onto her face.

She quickly slipped into the gown, relishing how the silk felt against her skin, and gave herself a once over in the mirror. Some tasteful jewelry and just a touch of makeup and she would be ready for him.

"Wow!" Hank whistled from the door. "Where did this come from?"

"Oh hey." Kensi smiled over her shoulder. "Perfect timing actually. You think you could zip me up?"

"Sure."

He moved over to her and ran one hand along the shear fabric while the other quickly closed the zipper.

"Thanks." She kissed his cheek before turning to her jewelry box atop the dresser.

"You're getting awfully dressed up to stay in babe." He noted as she began rummaging through her various jewelry pieces.

"Staying in?" She asked as she held up a pair of dangling gold earrings Hank had given her on their last anniversary.

"Uh yeah. Kensi I just got home yesterday. I thought tonight it was supposed to be just you and me for a quiet evening in?"

Kensi winced and turned with an apologetic look on her face.

"I'm so sorry, but this kinda came up last minute."

"Kens, I've been gone for three weeks." He argued. "I don't think it's too much to ask to spend a little time with my wife."

"I know, I know and I'm sorry." She tried to apologies. "But this was the only night that Deeks was able to do dinner…"

"Woah, wait just a goddamn minute." Hank held up his hand like a traffic cop. "Deeks? As in Martin Deeks? Your ex-partner slash ex-boyfriend?"

Kensi nodded sheepishly. "We ran into each other today and he invited me out to dinner tonight. Look, it's been ten years. We didn't exactly end things on good terms."

"No shit! Do you remember what you were like after him, after what that detective did to you?" He spat the words at her. She didn't think she'd ever head him use so much venom. "I don't agree with this. I think it's a bad idea."

"Well that's not your decision to make."

"No but don't you think that, as your husband, I should have some say in this?"

"Some say in who I see?" She countered, inadvertently going on the defensive.

"Some say in you seeing the man who broke you Kensi!" He shouted.

"This isn't your choice Hank, it's mine. I'm going to go see him, end of story."

"Oh nice, real nice Kensi." He scoffed. "Just shut me down. Don't give a damn about the very real worries and feelings of someone who loves you!"

He threw his hands in the air.

"You know what? Go. Go ahead and see him if you want. Just don't be surprised when he hurts you again."

He stormed out in a huff. Kensi winced as she heard the front door slam before bracing herself against the dresser and send out a silent prayer that she was doing the right thing.

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><p>Deeks looked around the marble and glass lobby of the apartment building, suddenly feeling very self-conscious of his three bedroom bungalow in the suburbs. He hadn't missed the look of the door man when he'd pulled up behind a line of ultra-high end sports cars in his gently used BMW.<p>

How was Kensi able to afford to live here? Back when they were together they had been living in a second floor walk-up a block from the beach.

With a sad feeling he reminded himself that a lot had changed since then.

He checked his watch again, the man behind the desk was looking at him with shifty eyes. 7:39. He really hoped she hadn't changed her mind.

He cringed as he remembered how Sasha had reacted when he told her.

"You can't seriously be going out with her can you?"

"I don't see what the big deal is Sash."

"The big deal is that you're going out to dinner with the woman you were going to marry!"

"Who I haven't seen in ten years!" He cut her off. "It's just dinner."

"Right, and we were just drinks."

She stood in the bedroom door, watching him straiten his tie in the mirror.

"Just remember to come home Martin." She'd said quietly as he kissed her cheek and left her standing alone in their bedroom.

His thought train was broken by the dinging of the elevators. When Kensi stepped out he had to keep his jaw from hitting the floor. He mentally patted himself on the back for picking his nicest suit.

"Hey." He smiled.

"Hey."

"You look…" he searched for the right word, "wow."

She felt an involuntary blush rise to her face at the sloppy compliment. "It was a parting gift from Hetty. I normally don't dress like this but, you said dress nice."

"Yeah, no that's perfect. You look, wow."

He extended his arm to her. She rolled her eyes but took it anyways, smiling slightly as he led her to his waiting car.

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><p><em>They barely made it back to her place before his lips were on hers. It was hot and it was desperate. He tore her blouse off, buttons flying everywhere, grabbing hold of her well-formed breasts as she fumbled with the button of his pants.<em>

_"Bedroom?" Red let put a gasp as he began hungrily devouring her neck. He let out a grunt and shoved her up against the nearest wall. There was no time for niceties tonight._

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><p><em>Kensi drove through the LA streets, trying to keep the panic from setting in.<em>

_The minute the door had closed behind him she knew she'd made a mistake. She needed to talk to him and fix this mess. She didn't want to be married, but she _did_ love him, and she _did_ want to be with him. She just had to tell him._

_But first she had to find him._

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><p><em>He tried to block out the sounds of Red's moans as he pressed her against the wall and thrust deep into her. He shoved his tongue into her mouth and squeezed his eyes shut, desperately trying to imagine she was Kensi. But each thrust told him over and over "not Kensi, not Kensi, not Kensi", taunting him with it.<em>

_"Oh, oh god I'm gonna, oh god!" Red squealed as he felt her walls clamp down around him, feeling the waves of her climax course through them both._

_With a cry equal parts pleasure and despair he felt himself follow her over the edge. As they breathlessly sank to the floor, his booze addled mind couldn't help but feel like he had forgotten something._

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><p><strong>Told you. 99% implied, about as dirty as a Mormon porno. Reviews are what make the world go round<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**I'm looking at the week in front of me and I am so glad that I have the next chapter completely written. What I wouldn't give for just a little time. This is a longer chapter but it's also one of the most important. Hopefully it answers most of your questions, but the biggest answer (if you havn't already guessed it) will come in the next chapter.**

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><p>When they pulled up to the restaurant, Kensi felt her throat start to tighten. Why were they here? Did he remember what this place meant to them? The valet opened her door and Deeks held out his hand to her. As they walked through the front doors, Kensi felt him stiffen just a little bit. Ah ha, so he did remember. But why would he choose this place then?<p>

As the maître d' led them through the restaurant, Kensi couldn't help but take in her surroundings. Same white tablecloths, same ornate wall coverings, same plush carpet that she was finding slightly difficult to walk in wearing heals. The man escorted them to a small table by a pair of French doors and pulled out the cushioned chair for her. Was this the same table? Felt like it. She looked to Deeks to gauge his reaction to the place, but he seemed oblivious to her plight, nonchalantly ordering a bottle of red from a passing waiter.

"Do you mind Kens?" He turned to her. "I know our drink of choice was always beer but I figured that we were someplace nice so it…"

"Why did you bring me here Deeks?" She cut him off.

"Excuse me Kens?"

"To this restaurant." She clarified. Deeks was silent for a minute before answering.

"It seemed natural. This was where we started, so this could be where we try and start again." He looked at her dead on. "I once told you that I'd always be a constant figure in your life and for the past few years I've been anything but, and so I want to be in your life again Kens. As friends this time."

Kensi let the idea turn over in her head. Yes she had missed him, but her life was pretty great as it was right now. But then again, it would be nice to have her partner back in her life again.

The waiter filled the wine glasses.

"Ok." She nodded.

Deeks's face broke out into a huge grin. "Ok."

She lifted her glass. "Friends."

"Now and forever." Deeks nodded, clinking his glass with hers, both of them ignoring the slight ping in their chests.

"So, how've you been Kens?"

"I'm good, leading my own team now."

Deeks's eyebrows went up. "Really? That's great!"

"Yeah. It is great. It was one of the first things Callen fixed me up with when he took over." She smiled into her wine before looking back at him. "And what about you? Recently promoted to commander, reportedly on the fast track to being one of the youngest police chiefs LA's ever had."

"Yeah, yeah I know. Crazy right?" They both chuckled before she sighed.

"It looks like we both got everything we wanted." She looked at him, happy but with an all too familiar sadness colouring it.

"I guess we did." He nodded and took a sip of wine, looking her left ring finger. Kensi followed his eyes to her wedding ring before putting her hand under the table then mentally kicking herself for doing so. What did she have to be embarrassed about?

"Who's the guy?"

"Huh?" She asked, having zoned out for a moment. Deeks smirked and motioned to her now hidden left hand. "Oh, right."

His eyes filled with a mixture of merry laughter and tender happy sadness. "How long have you been married?"

"Three years this November." She twisted her ring. "His name is Hank, Hank Sims."

"Sims huh? He didn't take your name?"

"I didn't take his." She chided him as the waiter came by and for their orders. Deeks ordered steak while, to his surprise, Kensi ordered the salmon.

"Since when did you start eating fish that wasn't battered and fried?" He cocked an eyebrow.

"Hank got me into it. The kitchen is his domain at home." She shrugged.

"So he's a chef?" Deeks asked but Kensi shook her head.

"No, no, he's a political journalist for the Los Angeles Times." She stated proudly, maybe just a tad too proudly.

"Wait, you're married to _that_ Hank Sims? You're married to one of the top journalists the Times has seen in years?" Deek's eyebrows shot up while Kensi rolled her eyes, a feeling of annoyance bubbling in her chest. And here she thought he might have grown up.

"Watch it," she snapped, "you've no reason to make fun of him."

"No, no I'm serious. I'm a big fan of his writing." Deeks quickly assured her. "Sash works for the mayor so she's constantly making me read the political articles of the newspaper. He's one of the most unbiased reporters on the staff."

"Oh." Kensi lowered her eyes for a second, slightly ashamed at herself for thinking the worst before she nodded vigorously. "Yes he is."

"Sash likes him too, she says he's the only one to give politicians a fair chance in the news regardless of which side of the aisle they're on." He smiled at her, with just a tiny hint of sadness in his words. "You should be proud of him."

"I am." She said softly.

"Any kids?" He looked hopeful but Kensi just shook her head.

"No. We tried but, you know, it just never worked out." She shrugged and turned her head so he wouldn't see the tears in her eyes. He didn't need to know how happy she and Hank had been when she'd found out she was pregnant, or how devastated they'd been when she lost the baby, and the two after that. If he saw the sadness in her eyes, he thankfully chose not to pursue it.

"And what about you?" She asked him.

"What about me?"

"You're married, you have a family, tell me about them."

"Kens…" He'd wanted to stay away from this topic of conversation.

"Deeks it's fine. Really. It's been a long time." She assured him.

"Not that long." They both thought but nether said. Instead Deeks just nodded.

"Ok, well you already know that Sasha works for the mayor. Although she does it part time now so she can spend more time with the kids."

Kensi couldn't help but laugh a little as he pulled out his wallet to reveal pictures of his kids. She had to admit, they looked like a pretty happy family. She found she could even look at Sasha without feeling the hate she always thought she'd feel. She found herself laughing as he told her about Maddie's antics and giving an honest wince of sympathy when he told her Neal was going into his "teenage" years. She found she actually liked hearing about his family, and he found that he actually liked telling her about them.

Neither of them allowed themselves to think that the reason they liked it so much might have something to do with the fact that, this way, it was almost like it was their family.

The waiter was taking away the dessert plates when the band started playing. Kensi closed her eyes and sighed.

"You like this song?" Deeks asked. Kensi nodded.

"One of my favorites actually. I don't really know why." She shrugged. Deeks looked around and saw that several other couples had gotten up to dance. Deciding not to think to long as to why he was doing it, he got up and extended his hand to her.

"Deeks, what are you doing?" She laughed a little, wary of the outstretched hand.

"Come on Kens, everyone's doing it." He teased but behind the tease she saw the genuine question in his face. She hesitated a second before accepting his hand and allowing him to gently guide her out to join the three or four other couples. She was surprised when his hands went where they were supposed to.

"You've had practice." She raised her eyebrows.

"Policeman's Ball, 8 years." He smiled before spinning her around, catching her by surprise. "And I haven't forgotten Hetty's dance lessons."

"You still remember those?"

"You don't?"

She thought back to how he felt pressed against her, how clumsily they had started but how they'd been almost graceful when they ended. Yeah, she remembered them alright.

The music ended far too soon for ether of their liking.

"We should probably get going." She said sadly as they headed back to their seats.

He nodded slowly and checked his watch. Even Cinderella only got until midnight before her carriage became a pumpkin again.

The valet pulled the car around and he opened her door first before sliding around next to her.

"I had a really great time tonight." He smiled softly at her.

"Me too, it was, nice." She shook her head in disbelief before smiling and gazing back at him.

"Yeah." He whispered.

"Yeah." Before ether of them knew what they were doing, his mouth was on hers and she was kissing back with a passion.

* * *

><p><em>Deeks awoke to the feeling of fingers tracing patterns on his skin. He opened his eyes and then quickly shut them against the barrage of morning sunlight.<em>

_"__Morning sleepy head." Kensi whispered as she brought her lips to his._

_It had been three weeks since the night of the failed proposal. Kensi had driven around all night looking for him, only to come home early the next morning to find him slumped against the front door. He still wouldn't tell her where he'd been__ that night._

_Deeks groaned. "What time is it?"_

_"__Don't know." Kensi shrugged and smiled. "Don't care."_

_He hadn't wanted to at first, but she'd forced him to listen to her explain herself once he'd sobered up._

"I love you Deeks, but I'm not ready for marriage. I don't know if really I'll ever be ready for something like that. But I do know one thing without and doubts or hesitations, I want to be with you. My only question is, do you still want to be with me?"

_Of course he did, and for the past few weeks they had been slowly building their way back to normal._

_"__So I was thinking," Kensi said with a mischievous glint in her eye and she rolled on top of him, "what if you and I cash in our vacations days and get away for a little while?"_

_"__Oh yeah?" He rolled her over so she was pinned underneath him, eliciting a squeal for Kensi. "Where did you have in mind?"_

_She fought back, returning herself to her on top position. "Somewhere where no one can reach us." She kissed him, enjoying the tickling of his scruff._

_"__No phones." He grinned._

_"__No bad guys."_

_"__No Hetty."_

_"__Perfect." They'd said together. They lay there, entwined together, for a few more short minutes before Kensi reluctantly rolled off of him._

_"__No, come back." He reached out for her._

_"__I have to get ready for work." She moved just out of his reach and paused at the bathroom door. "But, you know, we could save water if we got ready together."_

_Deeks was in mid jump when his cell phone rang on the nightstand. He looked at it and then back at her, torn._

_"__Answer your phone," she laughed, "then come join me."_

_Deeks watched her slip into the bathroom before bolting for his phone._

_"__Hello?" Deeks answered, his heart light as a cloud._

_"__Martin?" A scared voice shook on the other end of the phone. For a second he didn't remember it until the voice suddenly clicked in his head._

_"__Sasha?"_

_"__Yeah." She squeaked on the other end. It sounded like she'd been crying. "Martin, I need to tell you something."_

_"__Oh Max, the shower's awful lonely." Kensi came out of the bathroom, wrapped in nothing but a towel. But Deeks didn't see her._

_His blood was cold, his body numb._

_"__Are you sure?" He choked into the phone._

_Her answer had him clutching the bedframe tightly, desperate for support._

_Kensi looked at him with confusion and a slight amount of alarm._

_"__Deeks?"_

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><p><strong>For this story I tried to avoid cliffhangers as much as possible, but I just couldn't resist this one (or really two). It just worked so perfectly when I was writing it. Just keep in mind, as much as we want it to be, this it not a happy Densi story. A customary review ploy goes here.<strong>


	6. Chapter 6

**This is going to be the last chapter with a flashback and the next chapter will be the last one. I'm a little wary of how this one turned out but I think I did a good job. I trust you'll let me know if I did.**

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><p>The kiss was hot, and intense, as if they were trying to making up for the decade without one another. For a brief moment they both forgot about all the pain and all the baggage and the total impossibility of what was happening as their tongues battled for dominance. This felt so right, it felt just like the universe was telling them that this was meant to be.<p>

Then, with a sharp snap, Kensi realized what she was doing.

"Deeks." Kensi pulled herself back and looked at him. For a second he stared at her face, unable to place her expression. Then it hit him. Full force, like a speeding train. It was the same expression he wore on his face.

Fear.

They went on staring at each other for a few seconds, the silence in the car punctured only by heavy breathing. It was as if the world had stopped spinning but instead of the moment of love, instead it was a dark moment where two roads met, and a choice had to be made. Finally Kensi made the first move by exiting the car and starting to walk down the deserted street.

"Dammit!" He swore as he got out to follow her, ignoring the looks from the valet.

"Get back in the car Kensi." He called after her.

"We shouldn't have done that." She said, still walking.

"I understand, but get back in the car."

"You understand? You understand?" She spun around and faced him. "No, you don't understand Deeks. You never did understand. I like my life, I love Hank and I love my job and I can't do that with you in it!" She cried. "I spent a good four years of my life scared to fall in love again after you left because you destroyed me. You destroyed me in the same way that Jack destroyed me except that, with him, I could imagine that he might one day come back for me. And now, you're here, and I'm here, and we kissed, and you don't understand how badly I don't want to want this so much!"

"You think I don't get it?" He shouted. "You think that it was easy for me to make that choice to leave you? I made that choice because there wasn't any other one. I screwed up, big time, and I ruined your life and there has not been a day that hasn't passed that I haven't hated myself for that. But it wasn't all my fault." He bite every word of the sentence. "And so I'm not going to apologize for making the best out of a bad situation. You know that somewhere along the line I actually fell in love with Sasha? After a while I stopped dreaming that you were the one I was sleeping next to and instead found myself actually dreaming of my wife? And somehow in the span of twelve hours you managed to undo all of that to where it makes me crazy to think of you with Hank!"

"He is my husband!"

"Why? Why does he get to be the one to be your husband?"

Kensi looked at him like he'd just spoken the question backwards and in Arabic.

"I am not going to answer that." She sounded shocked.

"Oh typical Kensi," he mocked, "never answering any questions. Always evading anything that might give someone a straight answer!"

"Well at least I don't go through life treating it as one big joke." She fired back. "Pasting that piece of crap smile on my face and never giving a damn about what that, or come to think of it, anything at all might do to someone else!"

"Go to hell!"

"You first!"

They stood in the road like two gunslingers in an old western movie, each one daring the other to make the next move. Then Deeks heard the slight sniffle from her and his shoulders sagged, the anger leaking out of him like a balloon.

"Kens, I didn't mean that. Any of it." His voice was small.

"I know." Kensi's voice shook, tears threatening her eyes. "Why are we doing this to ourselves Deeks?"

He sighed and put his hands in his pockets. "Because…because with them…we have what we always wanted. And with each other, we don't." He said defeated.

"So what does that mean we do now?" They both knew the answer, but neither of them wanted to be the one to say it out loud.

"I don't think we can see each other again Kens." Deeks softly muttered.

Kensi leaned her head back in an attempt to stop the tears. "I don't think we can either."

"You know what's strange?" He laughed like a man before his hanging. "I hadn't thought about you, I mean _really_ thought about you in years until this morning, when Maddie found your dad's knife in the drawer. Then we meet and in the course of a day, all this happens. Funny how the world works isn't it?"

They were both painfully silent, the distance between them an all too familiar feeling. Finally it was Kensi who broke the silence.

"I know it wasn't all your fault." She whispered, so softly that at first he wasn't sure if she'd actually said anything. "You were hurt when you did what you did, and it hurts to know I hurt you that bad. I'm so sorry."

"No, it's not your fault Kens." He advanced quickly on her and wrapped his arms around her. "I was wrong, it was all my fault."

"No," her voice was broken with tears, "it's mine. I should never have said no Deeks. You were the best thing that ever happened to me."

He hugged her tighter, desperately trying to preserve the moment for as long as he could. He squeezed his eyes shut and imagined what their life might have been if everything was different. There was a time when that picture was in stunning HD with brilliant Technicolor, being played on the biggest movie screen in the world. But those times were long gone so now the picture was a grainy black and white on a 14 inch TV set. He took a shuddering breath and opened his eyes.

"I have to get you home." He almost choked on the words.

* * *

><p><em>Kensi stared out the window at where the light grey sky met the dark grey ocean, her arms crossed, absolutely silent. Behind her, Deeks sat on the edge of the couch, looking at her, with his head resting on top of his clasped hands. They had been like this for hours, her dead silent and still as a statue, him antsy and constantly making nervous movements.<em>

_"So what happens now?" Kensi finally spoke, still focused on the horizon._

_"I don't know." Deeks told her, defeat and regret permitting each word. "Kensi, I'm..."_

_"Don't say it." She cut him off. Her voice wasn't angry, all the anger had been sucked out of her. She didn't have the energy to be angry anymore. "Are you going to stay with her?"_

_"I don't have any other choice." He got up and tried to touch her but she countered to the opposite end if the room. "Fern please."_

_"No!" She snapped, the anger she thought was drained rushing back through her veins. "Do not call me Fern, you lost that right the moment you stuck your dick in that whore!"_

_She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and tried to keep her emotions in check. "Is she going to keep it?" She asked, her voice low._

_"I don't know." He wrung his hands._

_She swallowed. "Do you…do you want her to keep it?"_

_Deeks remained silent for a long time, slowly wringing his hands before he stopped all together._

_"Yeah." He whispered, apologizing for what he wanted. "I do."_

_It was that final 'I do' that did it. Not that she was expecting any other answer, because any other answer would be completely unlike Deeks in every way, but it was that soft 'I do' that let her know that the greatest chapter in her book had turned to one who's pages would hurt to look at. The chapter was over, the dream was dead._

_"Get out Deeks." She ordered._

_He didn't argue, he didn't fight, what would be the point? He just nodded and made his way to the door._

_"I want your stuff gone by tomorrow." She turned away and went back to the window._

_The words were like a knife in his heart, the death knell to the best thing that ever happened to him._

_"I'm always going to love you Fern. I just want you to know that." He said softly, before slipping out the door._

_When she heard the door close, the façade she had been keeping, the façade she had been building and maintaining ever sense Jack left, the façade she was proud off and he'd seen right through, finally gave way. And for the first time in years, Kensi let her body be wracked by heartbroken sobs._

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><p><strong>That was inspired by an odd mix of Blake Shelton and Tennessee Williams. Don't ask me why, I don't know ether. Donate a review, feed a starving ego.<strong>


	7. Chapter 7

**As it began, so it shall end. I hope you all enjoyed reading this story as much as I've enjoyed writing it. Just one quick, slightly bitter little pill. Sure the ego remark at the end note of the last chapter may have been a tad much, but everyone on here has an ego. Why else would we put our stories on the internet to read? And on that note, enjoy the conclusion to our fair story.**

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><p>The walk back to the car was slow and silent, the drive back even more so. Several times one of them would try to say something, only for the words to die in their throats, forced back into their guts by the suffocating sadness in the car.<p>

As he turned onto her street, Kensi felt her breath quicken. Her eyes darted to where his hand was resting atop the gearshift. How easy it would be for her to just reach out and lay her hand over his, just a simple gesture to let him know it was going to be alright, but her hands remained firmly clasped in her lap.

She was almost relieved to see that the valet had turned in for the night as the car rolled to a stop. She undid her seatbelt and looked back at him. For a brief second they held each other's gazes before she moved to open the door.

"Wait."

Deeks leaned across her lap and opened the glove compartment, extracting the knife he had placed there earlier in the day and placing it in her hands. Had it really only been this morning Maddie had pulled it out of the drawer?

Kensi looked at the knife with amazement. Inside both of them, something shifted.

"I always meant to give it back to you. But every time I tried…"

"I know." She smiled gently at him, running her fingers over the wooden handle that was at the same time so familiar and so foreign.

"The reason that I said yes to Hank and not to you," she spoke softly, looking down at the knife, "it's because I was afraid. I had thought he didn't want to get married and so when he popped the question I almost said no."

She looked up at him.

"But then I remembered you, and how my saying no had destroyed what you and I had, bringing with it so much pain and so much heartbreak for both of us. And I just couldn't take loosing the man I loved again."

"You shouldn't have had to." Deeks stared out the windshield for a few seconds before he spoke again. "Just answer one thing for me, is he good to you Kens?"

Kensi nodded.

"Then you made the right choice Kensi, Hank was the right choice."

He smiled sadly at her. "Promise you'll take care of yourself?"

"No."

He closed his hand over hers for a second before releasing it, allowing her to slip out of the car.

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><p>Kensi stood in the drive watching his taillights slowly fade from view. She turned the knife over and over in her hands, the feeling of that one passionate kiss still lingering on her lips, before turning and slowly walking into the building. She managed a small smile to the doorman before she slowly made her way to the elevator.<p>

The apartment was dark when she entered, the only light coming from a recessed panel under the cupboards and the bright moonlight flooding in through the windows. She kicked off her heals and looked at the knife one more time before setting it down on the island counter. She picked up her shoes and slowly walked to the bedroom. She opened the door to find Hank laying on top of the covers, nose deep in a book.

He looked up at her over his reading glasses as she walked in.

"Hi."

"Hi."

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><p>Deeks entered the dark house as quietly as he could, certain that both children were sound asleep.<p>

He quietly crept down the hall towards the soft lamp light coming from the living room. As he went, he passed by photos on the wall.

Him and Sasha on their wedding day.

Sasha laughing as she gave toddler Neal a bubble bath

Himself cuddling baby Maddie in the middle of a pink princess nursery.

Him and Sasha last year when they'd taken a spur of the moment trip to Chicago with no kids.

Finally a picture Sasha's mother had taken last fall of the four of them playing in the fallen leafs, laughter etched into each one of their faces.

He walked quietly into the living room, only to find it empty, a single lamp casting a dim light throughout the room. Deeks walked over and sat down on the couch and closed his eyes, suddenly feeling extremely tired.

The sound of soft footsteps drew his attention and he opened his eyes to find Sasha standing in the doorway, her arms crossed, leaning up against the wall.

"Hey." She said softly. "Your home. How was dinner?"

He didn't want to talk, especially about Kensi and especially to Sasha, but he found himself answering anyways.

"It was good."

She nodded in acceptance of his answer and closed her eyes for a second.

"Did you kiss her?"

There was no accusation, no anger in her voice. It was asked just as casually as if she was asking about the weather. Deeks would have preferred it if she yelled.

"Yes." His voice was small, now the yelling would come. To his surprise, however, Sasha did none of that. Instead she uncrossed her arms and walked over to sit beside him on the couch.

"Are you ok?"

Kensi looked at her husband like he'd just grown another head. Here she was, admitting to kissing a man who she had at one time considered her one true love, and he was asking if she was ok?

Hank saw the confusion on her face and smiled. He set his book on the nightstand and patted the bed next to him.

"Marty, talk to me." Sasha gently pressed as she laid a hand across his back. "Are you ok?" She repeated.

"You're not mad?" He asked quietly.

Sasha smiled and shook her head. "The way we started, it wasn't good. I firmly believe it all worked out for the best, but you were always going to have that little piece that would be holding on to what had been. So no, I'm not mad."

Hank put his arm around her and pulled her into his side. "But, maybe now you and he can finally put the past behind you, maybe even become friends again?"

Kensi let his words turn over in her head, carefully picking apart each word. She thought about the knife on the kitchen counter.

"I wish we could, but the past is always going to be there. It's not going to go away." Deeks shook his head and sat back on the couch.

"So what was tonight then?" Sasha placed her hand over his.

"I think it was closure." Kensi shook her head.

Hank stroked the back of her hand with his thumb. "Does it feel good?"

"Not really." Deeks chuckled sadly before pulling Sasha close and kissing the top of her head. "But it had to happen."

They sat quietly on the couch for a while, listening to the quiet sounds the night made.

"I'm glad you kissed her." Sasha looked at him. Deeks looked back with a quizzical look on his face.

"I mean, I'm not happy about the kiss. Happy is the wrong word." Hank clarified. "But you needed to do it."

"You needed to finally close that door." Sasha nodded.

Kensi slowly shook her head and snuggled closer to her husband. She inhaled deeply, letting her nose fill with his unique sent mixed with the clean smell of the bed sheets.

"This is where I belong." Deeks thought as he closed his eyes. "This is who I belong with."

"What are you thinking about?" Hank murmured as he gently twirled her hair in his fingers.

Kensi listened to his heartbeat, feeling the both of them slip closer and closer to sleep.

"You." She whispered, using the last of her strength to lift her head up and look lazily into his eyes.

"I love you." Deeks let a sleepy smile cross his face and leaned in to kiss Sasha. He felt no regret, no pain. No longing was attached to the kiss. Just a staunch and undying love for the person who accepted him, flaws and all, and who still loved him all the same.

Kensi pulled away from the kiss and returned her head to Hank's chest, looking down at their feet on the bed until she just couldn't keep her eyes open anymore.

"We should go upstairs." Deeks said half-heartedly but Sasha just snuggled closer to him.

"I don't want to move." Kensi whispered as she dimly felt Hanks fingers running gently through her hair.

"Then don't." Deeks chuckled and rested his head on top of hers, letting himself sink into the couch and into the waiting arms of sleep.

This was what felt good, this was what felt right, and this was where the four of them stayed until the world turned round and the sun rose on the next morning.

* * *

><p><strong>And there it is, the ending to my first non-vignettes, non one shot Densi story. It just had to be a sad one didn't it? I'm sorry if the ending was a little confusing, but it was the best way I could think of to tell both stories and I'm very pleased with how it turned out. As always, I ask of you to be kind and part with a review.<strong>


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